I remember when I was 20, I was sitting on the bus with other students from a private, very conservative Christian boarding college, and there was a boy I liked next to me, and there was a popular song that said Cannibal Hall & Oates songs were played on the radio.
It was 1986, and I was feeling really uncomfortable because his friends were sitting in the back of the car watching us. I really wanted to impress them. But then they started singing and interjected his Incorporate the name into the lyrics: If I were you, I wouldn’t I know what she can do. She’s deadly, man; she can literally destroy your world. Spirit is above matter, Oh, the beauty is there, but the beast is within. Notice [boy’s name]she will bite you to pieces.
Some say that as a young girl raised in a pastor’s household, I had too many boyfriends. In my community, you couldn’t be too friendly or too unfriendly, too curious or too opinionated, and certainly couldn’t display any kind of sexual desire – intentional or not – or it would be considered dangerous.
After getting married at 25, I felt like I was finally entering into safer sexual territory, after my previous life as a wife and mother had held me back. Divorced 30 years later, I now feel like a “born again” virgin.
Oh, I don’t find the irony in that: I used to be considered experienced, but now I know almost nothing about modern dating! That’s funny. How does a former “male chauvinist” cope with today’s dating scene?
I narrowed my options down to three. I could go the casual route: try my best and see where it leads. (Unappealing.) I could retreat into conservative Christianity. (Also unappealing.) I could embrace single life. (Also unappealing.) Or I could enter the world of dating apps. (Daunting!)
Debbie Hooper and her puppy.
In today’s hookup culture, is it admirable or ridiculous that I’ve had so few sexual partners? How do I balance my desire for meaningful connections with the often superficial nature of app-based dating? In the three years since my breakup, I’ve gone on a total of three dates with two men.
After the second date with the first guy, I pulled away and we ended up kissing goodbye. I didn’t mean to. I just wasn’t ready.